Falling

Everything to me is just a leap of faith. A leap of faith that everything will turn out okay (maybe through God's guidance). I always understood that I had no control over my surroundings, but each day I am beginning to realize how little control I have over my thoughts and emotions as well. I find myself constantly trying to make sense of my situation and what is the "best" way to handle it, yet my emotions are telling me another story. When the mind and heart does not agree, I start to have doubts about my current course of action. I'm drowning because I can't follow my heart, but my conscience is telling me that this is the right direction to be heading.

People say that when you love someone, you want the best for them. I truly want joy and happiness for him. And so I have been constantly reminding myself not to be selfish, not to do anything that will pull him back into my current state of desperateness and confusion. He has been there and done that for me, and I gratefully acknowledge that.

Is this is a small taste of what Hell feels like? Christians describe Hell as "not being with God", and to me that translates to mental and emotional pain of not having peace in the mind and heart.

The Purpose of this Blog

Putting my thoughts into words has always been very hard for me. I can feel my emotions, but I cannot clearly explain how I am feeling. I love to hear stories, but I cannot tell a story well enough from beginning to end. To put it simply, I just do not present my thoughts well enough for the other person to grasp what I actually mean to say. That being said, I have decided to begin these series of journal entries to help me practice expressing my jumbled thought coherently into well thought out words. And of course, I will probably use this journal to express my inner thoughts about love and life or maybe random thoughts that come to mind. I'll also include updates on what is currently going on in my life.