Everything to me is just a leap of faith. A leap of faith that everything will turn out okay (maybe through God's guidance). I always understood that I had no control over my surroundings, but each day I am beginning to realize how little control I have over my thoughts and emotions as well. I find myself constantly trying to make sense of my situation and what is the "best" way to handle it, yet my emotions are telling me another story. When the mind and heart does not agree, I start to have doubts about my current course of action. I'm drowning because I can't follow my heart, but my conscience is telling me that this is the right direction to be heading.
People say that when you love someone, you want the best for them. I truly want joy and happiness for him. And so I have been constantly reminding myself not to be selfish, not to do anything that will pull him back into my current state of desperateness and confusion. He has been there and done that for me, and I gratefully acknowledge that.
Is this is a small taste of what Hell feels like? Christians describe Hell as "not being with God", and to me that translates to mental and emotional pain of not having peace in the mind and heart.
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